I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
