youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
