It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
