ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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