: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
