alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
