She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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