dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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