And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
