Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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