oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
