you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
