i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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