i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
