finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
