He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
