how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
