what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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