Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
