Tell her she can't have a vagina
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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