Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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