Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
