With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
