From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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