I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
