All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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