I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
