Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
