He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
