Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
