Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
