Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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