you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
