How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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