i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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