life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
