Im at strip club and am horny
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
