Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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