i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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