Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
