He kissed a someone with a penis
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
