Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
