Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
