I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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