It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
