I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
