so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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