fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My vagina is officially offended.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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