I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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