Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
