I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Did I show you my penis last night?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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