The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
