true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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